Los Angeles Clippers Universe

BITTERSWEET CLIPPERS VACATION

2008-01-17T13:05:00.000-08:00

I'm worthless. I'm lazy. I don't deserve to root for this proud franchise any longer. I haven't had a new post on my blog in nearly 2 months. Granted, it's been an ugly stretch for my Clippers, but the support should always be there. Rooting for these assholes takes a lot out of you. But maybe it was karmic that Clippers big turn for the worse coincided with my neglect of the bloggage. But then who would be motivated to write about team that was playing so poorly. I don't know it's a chicken/egg thing.
Around November 25th it started getting real ugly for my guys. The home losses, the never-ending stream of injuries. Here they are: the Clippers once again. Not that this wasn't expected over the summer, but that 4-0 start was the ultimate cock tease. There was at least a silver lining for me, personally, during the holiday season.
After a trying semester at art school (imagine being 24 years old and taking classes with girls who have bull rings and listen to My Chemical Romance), I hopped on a plane back to Los Angeles for some much needed chillaxation. Just kidding, I would never say chillaxation. I had just seen the Clippers beat up on the Nets in Jersey a few days before (Dad's got season tix) and Kaman looked amazing. The record wasn't pretty but I felt like with Cassell back from the injury they could turn the corner, you know. Even Tim "the Fucking Bum" Thomas appeared to actually be trying in some games.
So anyway I'm flying Virgin America back to LAX. That airline is the shit, by the way. You walk into the cabin and think you've entered a discotechque in Helsinki, and then the whole thing is like a flying Ipod and you basically become a flying, farting invalid with food crust all over you and ESPN blaring out of the headphones to drown out the baby noise. This is Richard Branson's idea of a better world. Remember that show where you had to have tea with him "on top of a ballooooon!" or something? Good one. I think that was the last time I had cable.
So anyway the flight goes by like nothing and when we touch down my brother is frantically calling my cell from the baggage claim. I shit you not ELTON BRAND WAS AT THE BAGGAGE CLAIM!!! I nearly shat myself. Of course it's LAX so taxiing to the gate is like a 15 minute ordeal and in my head I'm seeing Elton climbing into his Escalade or whatever and driving off without my ever seeing him. It was a tense moment that seemed to last for hours. We finally dock or whatever and I'm up at a mild sprint to get to the baggage claim, which is of course on the other side of the earth. So I finally get down there and see my brother Nick across the room and he's like giving the sneaky finger-pointing towards Elton who's out by the curb, chillaxin', lookin all incognito (incognegro as my friend Kenyon says) despite being 6'8 with an Easter Island statue for a head. I made a beeline, totally interrupted his conversation with some guy, saying: " MR. BRAND!! How's the achilles Mr. Brand??!!"
I swear!! And then Mr. Brand (that's the only way I'll refer to him from now on) is ever the diplomatic sports star. He goes: "Oh I'm doing great! Thanks a lot, thanks for the support" It was everything I could do to not grab him like a creepy stalker and cry in his jacket saying: I LOVE YOU MR. BRAND!! I LOVE YOOOOOOUUU!!! I mean, the guy is my all-time sports hero. I proceeded to tell him that I've been a longtime Clipper fan from the Sports Arena days and how much I appreciate what he's done for the team. Look, asshole, it's not brown nosing if you really mean it. Then I told him not to rush back from the injury until he is completely healed and literally 2 days later he says in the L.A. Times that maybe his Mid- February target date was a little too early. I mean, come on--that was all me, right? But seriously, he was totally cool and humble. Then came the handshake where he like engulfed my whole arm with his 4 foot long hand. That hand has blocked so many shots!!! It was radical. I would NEVER approach a celebrity normally but I kind of always knew I would run into him around L.A. some day. It was a special moment for me, even if I do sound like a creepy stalker.
So I was in L.A. where everything is basically the same, except now the medicinal weed is kinda legal so the entire city is basically smoking the Sticky Icky all day. It's fun for a week but after that you become permanently catatonic. I'm pretty acclimated to the pace in New York now, you know? Add to that the fact that I actually had the free time to watch the Clippers losing game after painful game. The worst one was probably the Laker game, during which the low point of the season came: on a missed shot by the Lakers, Maggette went up for a defensive rebound only to tip the ball into his own team's basket. Worse than that was that the TV people immediately cut to Kobe with this shit-eating grin on his face. I seriously broke out in hives that very same night.
While the symbolic low point of the season may have been the Maggette own-goal, the personal low point came just two days after Christmas. As a birthday present, my girlfriend bought me third row seats to the Clippers/Suns game at Staples Center. Never had I sat closer to the court at an NBA game. At the outset it was pretty awesome. I could see how incredibly ugly Cassell was up close, and how Mobley has this crazy vein in his forehead. We were sitting right in front of the Suns owner's wife who was expectedly the tackiest woman I'd ever seen. I mean I'm talking like rhinestones and fur and shit at a basketball game. I knew they might be in for a long night against the always-competitive Suns, but I had no idea that they would completely mail the game in. I mean nobody on the team even tried besides maybe Al Thornton who looked great. Adding to the misery was a slew of what we dubbed "Suns Sluts": three platinum blonde, fake tanned chicks who were literally heckling the Clippers in their own house and readily offering their vaginas (which probably resemble Boar's Head roast beef after a freshman year at University of Arizona where they probably got gang-banged by football players) to Amare Stoudamire every time he passed by the scorer's table. And they literally didn't shut up the ENTIRE game. It was hell on earth. I mean, to no fault of my girlfriend, bless her heart, we were entrenched in the Suns' rooting section. You could just smell the Republicans with their "Southwest" colored outfits and Opal jewelry. Fuck Arizona. And by the way fuck John McCain.
Soon thereafter began an awful losing streak capped by the most ball-crushing game of the year against the Mavericks. My guys, short-handed as they were, managed to get the Mavs against the ropes well into the last 30 seconds of the game. With little more than 24 seconds on the clock and up by two points, they could have simply dribbled out the clock and left the Mavs with maybe to seconds to tie. Instead some moron, I'm not sure who, made the mistake of passing the ball to Tim Thomas. Tim almost managed to do what any other veteran in the league excluding Slava Medvedenko would do, just run out the fucking clock. But then with ten seconds on the shot clock he had this moment where he seemed to think to himself "Oh wait I'm Tim Thomas I'm supposed to do the thing most detrimental to my team!!!" and hurled the ball at the basket. The left just enough time for the deadly Mavs to draw up a drive and kick play that found Stackhouse on the wing for the buzzer-beating, game-winning, 3-pointer of death. I think I shat out my heart that night.
This week I'm doing a little better because Cassell got me some payback by single handedly demolishing the Suns a couple of nights ago. That was great. I had just picked him up off of waivers in my Fantasy League. There's always a silver lining, you see, even for Clippers fans.

Treading Water

2007-11-22T11:17:00.000-08:00

Well well well...the Clipps are mere mortals, after all. After dropping 4 of the last 5 games and compiling a slew of injuries going into last night's matchup with Denver, it seemed as though the Clippers wouldn't stand a chance against AI, Melo, and Camby. I was expecting Mobley in street clothes, but the spark that he and Q-Ross provided off the bench turned out to be the difference in the game. That and another stellar effort from the Albino Rhino, who notched 17 points and 23(!) rebounds, handing Denver a discouraging loss. We can revisit this subject further into the season when it really counts, but it appears as though Caveman has reemerged as one of the top 6 Centers in the NBA. The guy has been all over the place almost every night and is completely offsetting the Brand injury.
Meanwhile Denver, whom everyone is saying will be the sleeper team in the West, proved why having two superstars on the same roster can often do more to stunt a team's progress than boost it. Looking at the respective box scores of last night's game, one can't help but notice a complete balance in scoring and field goal attempts on the Clippers side and a retardedly disproportionate number on Denver's end. How long do AI and Melo have to play in this league before realizing that if they don't get their other guys involved throughout the course of the game then those same guys won't be knocking down shots in the fourth quarter. You think J.R. Smith is going to have any success with 7 field-goal attempts? Denver is a shining example of how not to build an NBA team. Granted, Camby complements the two stars perfectly (he's really one of the most underrated players in the game), but when your two stars can't play a lick of defense and demand 20 field goal attempts a piece every single night, then your not gonna see a lot of happy role players at the other end of the bench. Especially when they are as ugly as Eduardo Najera. Take a look at the Celtics, who have a pretty similar roster to Denver's in terms of talent, and you can see how three superstars can actually complement each other. It just pisses me off because I love to watch AI and Melo, and I could not be more positive about the fact that those guys will not win a ring so long as they're on the same roster. If I were Allen (and I'm assuming AI wants the ring more than the scoring titles now), I'd pull a Mike Finley this off-season and take a secondary role on one of the West's real contenders (Spurs, Dallas). AI is a great passer and needs to realize that he can't dominate, physically, the way that Carmelo can, and that he needs to do what he did two season's ago when he was routinely dropping 10 assists a night. Hello Allen, your team has three injured point guards and your still gonna take twenty shots from the 1 spot. Dumbass.
Anyway, on to more important topics, as I have been reading the recent comments/responses on my blog. I figure I'm not going to reach any level of respectability as a blogger until my Dad stops dropping comments where he routinely corrects my grammar. And what's more, I thought I had finally got my first comment from a random reader when someone named Edward began commenting on my link about what a bad job Dunleavy is doing. Then my Dad explains to me that it was, in fact, Coach Eddie, my 6th grade P.E. coach. What's next, my Grandma posting comments where she complains about the situation in Israel? But seriously, Coach Eddie (who, by the way, may be my only P.E. coach to have simultaneously given me Hebrew lesson while teaching me the three-man weave) brings up a good point about Dunleavy's coaching. I have certainly had my gripes with the guy in the past. Most notably, his coaching performance (or lack thereof) during the Phoenix series in 2006, his non-stop bickering with Maggette (dude, just don't fuck with the owner's favorite player), and his Yaroslav Korolev draft pick in 2005 (we could have easily had Danny Granger at the 12th pick, but he opted to waste a lottery pick on a kid who had played mediocre ball in the Russian junior league). But it's hard to come down on a guy whom last night tied the franchise record for wins and brought the Clipps back to the playoffs for the first time in almost 10 years. When you've spent your whole childhood watching your team win 20 games a season and then suddenly a guy comes in and ties together 3 respectable seasons, you have to give him some credit. He has brought a defensive mindset to this club, and looks like a member of the Irish mob to boot. Still, this is the guy who, while coaching the Blazers in that famous series against the Lake show in '99, let a 16-point lead slip away in the fourth quarter without making a single substitution. I suppose it could be that the IRA left a dead fish in his office at half-time or that maybe Tim Donaghy was refereeing that night or that Scottie Pippen was the anchor of that emotionally unstable Blazers team or that Shaq and Kobe were actually getting along at the time, but Jesus Mike, a 16-point lead in the fourth!? Maybe this isn't the guy that can lead us into the promised land, but he can certainly get us to the mountain top, and within the fucked up frame of reference of a lifelong Clippers fan, that migh be enough for Dunleavy to keep his job. Plus Donald Sterling must feel bad for Mike that he bore a child who looks like Eric Stoltz character in that movie "Mask". Erin go bragh, Mikey!!

Tim "Maybe-Not-Such-a-Bum" Thomas, Caveman Thawed(!) and Other Items of Intrigue

2007-11-05T17:37:00.000-08:00

Were my eyes decieving me or was my man Chris Kaman dropping 26 and 18 on the Warriors on opening night and then following it up with another solid effort against the Sonics? Was that Tim Thomas blocking shots and hitting 3's all over the place in both opening games? Surely, that couldn't have been Corey Maggette passing up shitty jump shots for much easier buckets from close range and the free-throw line? Could Ruben Patterson have found Jesus in the offseason? Yeah. That's right, fuckers. It's the new look Clippers.
Getting out on the break and showing their athleticism, the Clipps have showed that they might be able to change their offensive philosophy and run some unsuspecting teams off the floor in Elton Brand's absence. In what appears to be an attempt to emulate the Phoenix Suns' success with the fastbreak, the Red, White, and Blue have shifted gears. And why shouldn't they? Mike Dunleavy realizes that the only way to offset the loss of Elton and Shaun Livingston for a big chunk of the season is to make the most of his roster. So far that's meant giving Brevin Knight a prominent role in pushing the ball up the floor and letting athletic guys like Maggette, Al Thornton, Patterson and Tim Thomas finish at the rim. I don't think Week 1 could have gone any better for my boys, who showed that even if they can't run a half court offense with any success, they might be able to hold the ship together until Elton Bruckheimer gets back.
In perhaps the most ironic personal twist of the young season, I missed my fantasy draft thanks to the effects of a dirty, dirty hangover that left me passed-out, buck naked on some random girl's sofa until well after the draft had already occurred. Now, I'm not a big fantasy guy-I only do the NBA and usually only one league-but the draft is definitely the best part of the season and something I wouldn't have missed were I not busy eating tastefully-seared lady tuna for brunch. Anyway, I finally get home to discover 87 text messages from dudes in the league and realize what's happened, only to find that I've auto-picked a pretty damn good team. I got Marion, Josh Smith, Durant, and, hilariously...Tim Thomas. If you've read my blog you know that I've hated the guy forever, mostly because he's been a bum almost his entire career despite having ridiculous size and athleticism. He's always had problems with effort, something that's inexcusable for the amount of money that teams like the Bucks, Knicks, Chicago, and the Suns have thrown at the guy. Two good playoff series' with the Suns in 2006 (one of which knocked the Clippers out of the post-season) led to the Clippers giving Thomas a big contract last off-season, mostly because they let Vladamir Radmonovic, their only real 3 point shooter, walk away and needed a replacement. I hated the move. Sure enough Thomas was a bum last season. But having the starting power forward role this year might have lit a fire under Thomas' ass. So there he is on my fantasy roster, and after Week 1 he's rated number 1 in player-efficiency rating amongst power forwards. That's right in front of two dudes named Duncan and Garnett. Maybe the ugly bastard has finally woken up. He's in the perfect situation if the Clipps continue to run the fast-break because he can get out quick and finish as well as scoot out to the wings for easy look 3-pointers. If Kaman can offset his inconsistent rebounding, then we may have a ballclub. Allright, allright--it's only 2 games but a man can dream, can't he?

Season Preview: At Least the Lakers Suck, Too

2007-10-22T17:33:00.000-07:00

Allright, so you've probably noticed that I lost a little passion for the blog since the Elton injury. Forgive me if the Clippers' acquisition of Ruben Patterson didn't renew my offseason hard-on. But the probability of Ruben fathering at least four illegitimate children by the end of the preseason does make me smile a little, I guess.
Another bright spot in the otherwise dismal landscape at Staples is my boy, Clippers rookie Al Thornton. I loved this pick when the Clippers drafted him at number 14 a couple months back, and sure enough the kid has been lighting up the world's finest bench players throughout the preseason. He's 24...slightly geriatric for a rookie but at least he looks younger than Scott Bakula did in "Necessary Roughness". Apparently the dude is NBA-ready. He's said to be a super athletic, freak-of-nature type of player...and he's got a jumper!!! Maybe that will offset Brevin Knight, Mobley, and Maggette shooting a combined 18% on the season. I think the guy is gonna be really good until his career-ending knee injury in two years.
In other news Kaman has publicly stated that he will not bring back the long hair this year because, and I quote: "[his] Mom doesn't like the way it looks." I think this pretty much ends the debate on whether or not "toughness" will be a factor for the Clipps this year without Elton Brand.
Other preseason highlights have included Cat Mobley realizing he's washed up and making exactly zero shots in his two appearances as well as the Suns reminding the Clipps how they won't be winning the Pacific until Steve Nash's back starts to give. At least my boys beat up on the Lakers last night (yeah it's preseason but we'll take what we can get at this point).
Speaking of those Lakes, could it have been a more joyous week for me? Kobe's gonna bitch his way out of LA?? I guess he really hasn't gotten laid since the rape trial. That, or he realized that his collection of "classy" white mink coats do him no good in the 100-degree, wildfire-inducing whether of the Pacific Palisades. What a whiny little bitch that guy is, right? Granted, Mitch Kupchak is a moron for not swapping Bynum for Jason Kidd last year, but come on Kobe, you're gonna have a better chance at a ring in Memphis? The dude should just start a one-man franchise called the Anaheim Kobes, that way he can continue to take 45 shots per game and talk in his "if Bryant Gumbel had to pretend to have street cred" voice and have his own ride at Disneyland until he becomes so estranged from the world that he turns himself into a white tranny like Michael Jackson and builds a 50 foot robot replica of himself that shoots lazers out of its eyes (I can't make this stuff up--thank you, Jacko). I mean, the guy (Kobe, not Michael) actually likes Orange County. Probably because the white trash down there are the only ones who think he's not an oreo and can truly appreciate his last R&B album...oh wait, that got shelved because IT WAS A FUCKING JOKE.
Seriously, though, what a convoluted, ass backwards life I lead: I literally hate Kobe more than Dick Cheney but I will watch him play basketball any time I get the opportunity. He's like the really hot model you saw at the bar last night and wouldn't even look at you when you asked her for a match but you would literally let her fart in your mouth just to know what the inside of her butt tastes like. Ok crossed the line there...not e-mailing this one to Dad. Anyway, season starts November 1st. Stop pretending you have a life and get the NBA League Pass, you pussy. Your dreams of becoming a novelist aren't going to pan out anyway.

Beckon the Kaman

2007-08-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

I imagine that when Clippers center Chris Kaman goes back to his cave after a long workout at the Spectrum Club, he generally has a clear conscience. As most ADHD-positive, cave-dwelling, albino leviathans will attest, there is more to life than professional basketball. But I think that occassionally, while clubbing his dinner or trying on a new yakskin coat by using the reflection of a cave puddle, the thought might cross Kaman's mind that "Wait a minute, I'm a professional basketball player getting paid millions of dollars to perform for playoff-hungry fans who have had little more to show for 20 years as season ticket holders than one second round playoff series! Maybe I should start paying more attention to my off-season!!" Does he then go scurrying out of his cave and out onto Topanga Canyon Road to do some cross-training or whatever he has to do to get pumped for the season? I don't know. But what I do know is this summer was a little different for Kaman.
Then another thought crossed my mind: what, if anything, went through Mr. Kaman's misshaped head when, during what we now know was a one-on-one game between Kaman and Brand at the Spectrum Club, Chris watched Elton go to the floor with a ruptured achilles. Whoa, hold on a minute! I have to just put a 'Zach Morris Freeze' on this conversation for a moment in order to try and comprehend the fact that Kaman and Brand actually go one-on-one, mano-a-mano, at the fucking Spectrum Club during the offseason!! That's so radical!! That's so Rocky Balboa/Apollo Creed!! I bet they jog on the beach together too!!
Anyway flash back to Kaman watching Brand go down; did he then think that the weight of the 2007-8 season might rest squarely on his slunken shoulders? At least until Elton comes back? I actually think he did.
That's right, this year's fantasy-basketball sleeper: Chris Kaman. He went to Summer League. He's obviously been working out. This man, freak of nature though he may be, is poised for a breakout season in the NBA.
Look, Kaman gets a bad rap. People don't realize that he's still only 25 and not quite at the Basketball IQ level of a Rik Smits or some such crafty big man. Once he realizes that he doesn't have to do everything and needs to focus squarely on rebounding and guarding the paint, this guy is going to be great again. Last year he was out of shape and had a little added pressure because of the big contract. Life can be tough when you're a 7-foot giant with translucent skin, but I wouldn't describe him as being a headcase. He's actually kind of a happy-go-lucky guy despite his attention deficit problems. But what he needs to be is a monster. He needs to watch tape of Charles Oakley and Bill Laimbeer and McHale, he needs to be rough-and-tumble. He needs to poke guys between the ribs and talk trash. These are things that gamers do. There is a reason that Ruben Patterson still has a job in the NBA. Kaman is only a stiff if he thinks he's a stiff. He's a total confidence-oriented player and touching the ball a lot more will help him with that.
Remember, the Clippers aren't much of a perimeter-oriented team with Brand, and without a major overhaul of their roster, they'll will probably keep their M.O. and dump the ball in the post to Kaman. We've have all seen these situations in the past, where the primary offensive threat gets injured and paves the way for a guy like Kaman to take his game to the next level. While I don't think Kaman needs to worry too much about his offense, he does have a lot of quickness for a 7-footer and he's almost completely ambidextrous with his post moves. If he quits fussing around with the shake-and-bake hook shots and starts to just barrel into defenders a-la-Elton he will have a lot more success as an offensive player. Will the Clippers be more than a .500 team by the time E.B. gets back? Doubtful. But this season is worth watching insofar as the potential for the young guys to step up their game and inevitably be even stronger once Elton does come back (hopefully with enough time left in the regular season to do some damage). Remember, as strong as the West is, the bottom-half playoff contenders like Denver, Golden State, Houston and the Lakers are all teams that the Clippers can play with. If veteran guys like Cat Mobley and Cassell can keep the team above water then the Clippers could still be a dangerous team after the All-Star break. What Mike Dunleavy and Elgin Baylor need to turn their attention to now is signing a legitimate perimeter shooter so that they can play a little inside-out basketball. I know the market for shooters is getting a little thin but there is such a thing as a trade. Is Allan Houston still making a comeback? Just kidding.

The Curse of "Rescue Dawn"

2007-08-06T12:01:00.000-07:00

I know I know...it's been a while since the last post. Frankly, I was waiting for something eventful to happen so I could do more than just reminisce about John "Hot Plate" Williams or that time there was a fat white guy named Ray Tinkle on the Clippers preseason roster (true story). Well, something happened. During his routine workout at the Spectrum Club in LA, Elton Brand ruptured his achilles. After a few dry heaves, an apaplectic fit, and the formation of ten simultaneous hemmorhoids on my ass, I managed to collect myself enough to make the post-injury internet rounds. I checked out the official injury report, WebMD, statistics of past NBA players before and after their achilles injuries, and so on. While I took some solace in the fact that Dominique Wilkins averaged 29 ppg the year after his achilles injury, there was little else to reassure me that Big E.B. will ever be the same ballplayer. In the meantime, I couldn't help but laugh when the Clipps did, in fact, manage to sign Brevin Knight two days after "the injury" (as I will now refer to it). Yes, it was the old consolation prize. For a moment I was lifted out of my deep, dark, place because I could laugh at the thought of Elgin Baylor desperately trying to hold on to season-ticket holders who are probably frantically abandoning ship right now.
Anyway, I don't know why I still get so depressed by the Clippers never-ending streak of bad luck. As a franchise they have been, at least, respectable for the past two years. But to have the future of their franchise (Shaun Livingston) nearly have to have his leg amputated from his "Traces of Death"-style knee injury last season (he may never play again) and then the greatest player in Franchise history (Brand) go down with a potential season-ender DURING A WORKOUT. I mean it just gets to a point where it's laughable. Say all you want about Donald Sterling and Elgin, but every time the Clippers take a step forward, something like this happens. Without fail. That is the M.O. of this team and it probably always will be. Still, this season will be better than watching Tom Tolbert at the sports arena. This is still a decent team in a very tough conference, and there's always the possibility of ESPN columnist Bill Simmons' "Ewing Theory" holding up (check out his NBA column archives on the ESPN web site if you haven't heard his amazingly hilarious theory).
So basically I've been a wreck for a couple of days now, expecting the worst to come out this injury--just being a pessimistic little turd-of-a-man. I finally saw the new Christian Bale movie "Rescue Dawn" which Elton Brand produced. Yeah, it was uneccesarily corny and the Top Gun ending was completely retarded but I'm still proud of my man Elton, who probably has Magic Johnson in his ear about getting entrepeneurial. Steve Zahn's character is also a dead ringer for my buddy Chris Roberts so I was literally laughing out loud during all of the really serious scenes (imagine watching your good buddy shit his pants in a Werner Herzog movie--it was kind of like that). So respect to Elton, but man, did he ever curse himself by getting an early start on his post-basketball career. Anyway, I continued sulking over the injury to my favorite NBA player ever until today, when I thought of Elton's work ethic, his heart, and his infinite good karma (this guy memorizes the names of ushers in other arenas throughout the NBA) and realized that, not unlike Bill Pullman's speech from Independence Day, ELTON WILL NOT GO OUT INTO THE NIGHT!!! This man is built like a brick shithouse, he's still only 28, he's got the will of Dieter F-ing Dengler!!! He's gonna be jogging down Venice Beach in a week like Muhammed Ali in "When We Were Kings"--little kids running after him screaming "ELTON BRAND BOO-MY-AY, BOO-MY-AY ELTON BRAND!!!", housewifes throwing their panties at him, George Plimpton rising from the grave to give a pithy voice-over, homeboys pointing the headlights of their Cadillac Escalades at the beach so that Johnny Utah can find Elton in the endzone as he jogs hungrily into the night. There is no stopping this Beast. He's gonna look like Jim Brown after he hits the hole. He's gonna charter his jet to the Russian Wilderness and train Rocky IV-style while Kobe Bryant is hooked up to all the futuristic equipment and shooting roids like Ivan Drago (Yari Korolev will be there smacking EB on the ass). There is no stopping this man whose best years we have to see!!! That's right, this is gonna be like when I predicted that the Warriors would beat the Mavs in Round One: I just feel it in my bones. We have yet to see the best of Elton Brand. I know this because I have a telepathic connection with Elton. That's right. How else can you explain the severe diarrhea that hit me at the EXACT SECOND that Elton was said to have suffered the injury. While sitting on the crapper I had a dehydration-induced hallucination: it was the scene from "Boyz in the Hood" where Ricky gets shot, only Elton was Ricky and I was Cuba Gooding Jr. (not that big of a stretch) and instead of the guy with a sawed of shotgun it was Bruce Bowen who somehow snuck into the Spectrum club after his NAMBLA meeting and was stepping under Elton from behind as he took his jump shot. Oh and instead of being reduced to a bloody pulp like Ricky was in the movie, Elton just shat liquid nitrogen on Bowen's head like Bruce was the T-1000 in Terminator 2 and then Elton landed on him feet first and Bowen was smashed to smithereens only to have his leftover gooey bits slither their way back to Cal State Fullerton to plan his next evil deed...while I shacked-up with the chick that played Ricky's baby's mama. Yeah, it was a pretty sweet hallucination.
My point is only this: Elton Brand will be back...and so will my team. In the meantime let's watch Maximus Maggette, Sam-I-Am-an-Alien, Cat Mobley, Al "Ain't Got No Nickname Yet" Thornton, Q Ross, Crypt Keeper, Yaroslov "Air Sputnick" Korolev, Jared " White Michael" Jordan and Brevin "British" Knight(s) hold down the fort, son!!! Come February, Elton's gonna be marching out of that locker room like Willis Reed in 1970 and Darrell the Superfan will be so excited he will fly into the stratosphere.

The Point Guard Situation, Dirty NBA Refs

2007-07-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

OK so last week I discussed the possibility of a Steve Francis signing that, of course, didn't happen. While I might normally mull over the fact that maybe Old Elgin Baylor didn't sweeten the deal enough to sell Francis on coming to LA, this may be a blessing in disguise. I won't go into further detail about why I was worried about bringing "The Franchise" to Clipperland (as it was covered extensively in last week's post) but I will say that if not signing Francis results in the Clippers getting one Mr. Brevin Knight instead, then things are on the up and up for the Clipps.

Knight, though he may end up costing a little more than "The Franchise" (biggest misnomer ever), is a grizzled veteran who finally broke through statistically with the fledgeling Charlotte Bobcats for the last three seasons. He had two seasons in Charlotte averaging 10+ assists and only dipped slightly last year by posting 9.6 apg with a decent assist to turnover ratio. Allright, for those of you who really do know your Clippers history, I know what your thinking: Andre Miller. The point guard who came in the Darius Miles trade with the Cavs a couple of years back and turned out to be a complete bust. Don't ask me or any Clippers fan why that didn't work out, because NOBODY knows. Andre seemed to be the perfect match for that Clippers team after coming in with ridiculous point guard stats but the love affair ended with the Clipps' front office letting him walk away to Denver because of what could only be described as HORRIBLE chemistry. People just didn't like the guy-the media, the players and eventually the fans-and his attitude throughout the year didn't do much to ease the pain. Despite playing in his hometown the guy acted the part of a complete headcase and more or less whined his way off the team by expressing his disinterest in being resigned by the Clipps (by the way, I am convinced that Denver getting whooped a few years later by the Clipps in Round 1 of the 2006 Playoffs was pure karmic retribution, as well as Miller finding his perpetually out-of-shape ass running the point for the lowly Sixers this year--HAHA!!! If there's any justice in this world he'll end up on the Hawks before opening night). Ok, sorry, I get a little worked up over that particular topic. It's not my fault the guy looks like a character from "Sanford and Son" with that stupid mini-fro--he's just such an easy target!! But he did little to prove my Ugly Clipper Theory (I'll get to this later) and that's what really pisses me off.

Anyway, Brevin Knight is not that type of player. The fact that he couldn't throw a scroll into the Dead Sea if he was floating in it is actually a good thing. The Clippers have enough guns and need precisely this type of a distributor to keep their offense flowing. If they need some offense from the 1 spot all of the sudden, then guess what(?)--you got Sam Cassell. But the real reason that I KNOW Brevin is a good match for the Clippers is his sheer ugliness. Yes, with Chris "Cro-Magnon Albino" Kaman, Tim "I Didn't Know That Sephardic Jews get THAT tan" Thomas, Elton "Easter Island Head" Brand and Sam "Louis Gossett Jr. in Enemy Mine" Cassell, the Clippers easily have the ugliest roster in the NBA. And guess what!? Brevin Knight looks like Richard Pryor immediately following the crack pipe incident. HE IS PERFECT!!! (I hope none of this meaningless banter is interpreted as having any racial undertones, by the way. Frankly, I think African-American men are generally much more handsome than their Caucasian counterparts, I also think that Michael Richards is an asshole and I totally have, like, three black friends who really, really like me. The Ugly Clipper Theory derives from my personal amazement, purely from a cultural-anthropology perspective, at the fact that one team could amass so many putridly ugly men and that when they did, they began to play well. I mean, SERIOUSLY--it's a weird coincidence, right??!!!) This also explains why Corey Maggette has always had chemistry issues with his team. The man is just too goddamn handsome. He makes the other guys uncomfortable, especially Mike "Irish Mob Boss" Dunleavy. And by the way, Kaman needs to grow the hair back immediately. I know that everybody in the league was dying for this guy to get a haircut but it is no coincidence that his play declined when he abandoned the Crypt Keeper look. That was his intimidation factor! It was as though while boxing out, opposing big men would say to themselves: "I don't know when this white boy is gonna go apeshit and start throwing elbows Laimbeer-style." That was his edge and he lost it and frankly, I could write a whole post about this but I'll spare you guys.

So Elgin: please! I implore you! Go sign Brevin Knight right now. If you can overpay for Tim "I Am a Fucking Bum" Thomas then you can overpay the "Knight Rider", a guy who will actually help this team win games and may help stretch out Cassell's career by a half-season or so. Don't be blinded by the Soul-Glo dripping down into your eyes, Elgin!!! Ok now I'm getting into Don Imus territory so I better move on to the other pertinent NBA topic--Tim Donaghy!!! Yay!!!

Oh there's nothing to brighten my day like a juicy NBA scandal and this one takes the cake. For those who aren't up to date (this was on the front cover of the New York Post so you have no excuse), NBA referee Tim Donaghy is being investigated by the Feds for shaving points referee-style. Early analysis of Donaghy's games shows that he was probably doing this by calling an excessive amount of fouls at the end of games to make sure that teams did or did not cover the spread. A gambling junkie himself, Donaghy was allegedly screwing with the outcome of games to cover debts with low-level mobsters. Oh, joy!!! First Danny Crawford puts the noose around his career's neck with the Tim Duncan ejection, now this!!! Next thing we know Steve Javie is gonna confess to having a homo-erotic love affair with Dick Bavetta. What I'm sayin' is it just don't get any better than this! This could spawn a whole new "The NBA...It's Fan-Tastic!!!" marketing campaign.

The fact is that I have long suspected the refs of tampering with blowout games. If you've ever noticed how blowout games that go to garbage time suddenly get more whistles than any normal 4th quarter, then you know what I'm talking about. No this doesn't change the outcome of these games for the teams, but it does for Vegas. Often these enormous leads move within 10 points or so just as time is expiring. Check the spreads of these games and you'll notice a funny little correlation. I'm not saying that all the refs are dirty, just that every year, especially in the playoffs, there are some calls that are so bogus that you wouldn't believe that a human being with two-eyes could make them (remember Kobe Bryant's heroic Game 4 against the Suns a few years back? A lot of things had to happen for him to be able to take that game-winning shot). I'm also not saying that this always has to do with gambling or tampering or whatever. In fact, I often think that the refs will usually botch calls because of personal vendettas against coaches and players. Remember how Steve Javie used to call games involving his nemesis Pat Riley? The fact remains that homecourt calls, makeup calls and other variables have no place in this game, and the absence of irrefutable evidence like the use of replays in the NFL (not just for last-second shots) means that horrible aspects of the NBA like flopping could be around forever. God help us! David Stern needs to show a little chutzpah and crack down on this nonsense the way he deals out bogus suspensions and fines to players and coaches just to save face for the media. I actually like Stern for the most part but this could make him look like Bart Giamatti during the Pete Rose scandal or Bud Selig during the tie All-Star game. There's gonna be a tarnished reputation if Stern doesn't go after his boys, the men he has always protected in the past: the refs. I don't think all of this is a conspiracy theory on my part, by the way, as I've spoken to many NBA fans with similar feelings. The Mob buying Italy last year's World Cup Trophy? Now THAT is my conspiracy theory!!! But that is fodder for another column. In the meantime let's wait and see what unfolds with the Tim Donaghy case and see if Elgin Baylor can possibly overcome his stupidity andd sign Brevin Knight. Go Clipps!!!

Welcome to LA Clippers Universe

2007-07-13T11:24:00.000-07:00

To the Four People Who May Actually Be Reading This First Post-
Let me start off by saying that I have never had a blog of my own, nor do I really frequent anyone else's. In fact, for a long time I've thought maintaining any interest in the blogs of people who operate outside the world of professional journalism is, frankly, a waste of time. If I have sniffed around the blogosphere (can't believe I just said that) at all in the past, it's been well-regarded blogs in the realms of politics, music, art and, naturally, the National Basketball Association. Wow, I sound like a pompous ass!
As a twenty-four year old fine art student, I doubt many people will have any interest in my blogging about realms in which I have no professional standing. There are, in fact, few topics in this world that I have any expertise in, whatsoever. There is one thing, however, that consumes my time to the point of near obsession: the Los Angeles Clippers.

(By the way, is one supposed to use syntax in the kingdom of the blogosphere?)

Look, it's not like I want to have to spend half of the waking hours of my life obsessing over the most dubious franchise in the NBA, perhaps in American professional sports. Nevertheless, thanks to a sports-crazed father who brought me up with all of the amenities of a sports lifestyle (baseball cards, Little League, "GET IN FRONT OF THAT BALL, MICHAEL!!! COME ON!!! QUIT PLAYING LIKE A PUSSY!!"--you know what I'm saying) I have a yearning inside of me for some sort of sports related satisfaction. But because of school and my interest in a number of things outside of sports, I rarely have an opportunity to "feed the flame" as it were. But wo-be-the-man (is that how you spell that?) who has a nasty competitive streak and roots for the least-competitive team in the history of Professional Basketball (Senators don't count, that was theatre). I'm so competitive about basketball that I literally almost punched my good friend Nate in the face the other day for saying that I, and I quote: "Need to relax a little, dude, it's pick-up basketball!" Basically, I can lose my fucking head when I play ball. Yeah I'm that dude-not the Mark Madsen, dude-who-tries-way-too-hard-and-fouls everyone type, but the guy who really, really wants to beat the 16 year old ghetto kid who somehow got into the private school gym and is destroying all the white kids. Not that I can beat that kid but I just try to prove that I don't sit down on anything sports related. I can make the NBA Finals out of game of tiddly-winks. Oh wait, the NBA Finals were the most boring thing ever this year. Granted I'm also the guy who quit his high school basketball team to take a snowboarding elective and spend more quality time with my bong, but I do like to win.
So the other day I'm reading my Dad's response to a four paragraph e-mail I sent him about the Clipps. Lo and behold the old man suggests that rather than wasting my time babbling to one person via e-mail about something as trivial as a potential Steve Francis signing, that I simply start a Clippers blog. After shrugging it off with a "that's for fucking nerds"-type dismissal, I came to a magical realization, an epiphany of sorts: as it pertains to this wo-be-gone team (you feelin the "wo-be" shit?) known as the Clippers and the NBA in general: I am a FUCKING NERD!!! I visit hoops-hype.com daily. I visit trade checker on the ESPN website at least 5 times a day. I give a shit about who the Bobcats drafted in the second-round. I AM A BASKETBALL NERD!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
What the hell happened? In high school I was the guy who thought it was cooler to eat mushrooms and go the Lazerium show at Griffith Park or skateboard around Venice Beach while listening to Suicidal Tendencies or whatever other CD skipping in my discman rather than following sports (actually, in retrospect, all that shit is way gay). But inevitably I came back to sports because, well, the Clipps drafted Darius Miles and Quentin RIchardson, traded for Maggette, and started to put out an exciting young team. Then the Elton Brand trade just cemented the whole obsession.
So anyway I'm a douschebag. And you're even worse because your reading this douschebag's blog. But this douschebag can't help the fact that his father justified years of taking him to see the Clippers at the Sports Arena by citing an "underdog mentality"--as though the poor bastards would ever win. We kept coming back though, even through years of getting pummeled. There were years where being a Clippers fan felt like getting ass-rammed by a jar of jalapenos and having the top pop off mid-buggering (and we all know what that feels like). So even despite the greatest season ever in '05-'06, I have what is known as a chip on my shoulder (where does that term come from, by the way? I don't have a thesaurus, only the sore ass--get it? Sorry that's a joke my brother would tell) and it manifests itself in several forms: insane competitive zest, an argumentative nature as it pertains to Basketball, outright depression, shit even the occasional thoughts of suicide when the regular season ends without the Clipps in the playoffs, which, by the way, is a pretty regular occurence. They are my boys, and here is mine blogeth. Oh, word!

Ok, so maybe I should have started this whole thing during the regular season but, in a way, I think it will be kind of cool to spend the off season ridiculing Elgin Baylor and Donald Sterling or reminiscing about the Clipps' run in 2006 or the Larry Brown days, or wondering if Shaun Livingston even has a chance of coming back---that kind of stuff--to sort of build my readers (as though they even exist) up for the regular season. As for actual current Clippers news there are really only a few things even worth mentioning.
Number one is the recent rumors of the Clippers possibly signing Steve Francis. Gone are the days where Elgin Baylor had to penny-pinch so much that an idea like signing the free-agent Francis would have been absurd to even consider. Now the owner, Donald Sterling (amazingly ironic that such a cheap bastard could have a name like this), has opened up his pockets enough so that the Clippers organization can overpay complete bums like Tim Thomas. And as of this moment Steve Francis is none other that a complete bum. The oft-troubled point guard (if you can even call him a point guard) who just whined his way off the Knicks and has such a risk factor that the Trailblazers GM Kevin Pritchard paid him like 30 million dollars to take a walk now is apparently being courted by the Clipps. Frankly this smells a lot like the vaunted Tim Thomas signing of the last off-season, except that Francis is apparently willing to take a contract closer to the veteran's minimum. Hmm. Don't think that he's being charitable, though, just because he's willing to play for a low salary. He just got a fat check from the Blazers anyway and he is, after all, the guy who whined his way off the Grizzlies on draft day and hasn't stopped since. Look, I thought he was exciting on the Rockets, too, but this guy has had surgeries and migraine problems and is a huge locker room liability. He's one of those guys who just always has controversy swirling around his name. So it's a big gamble. However, if he does want to win and is willing to give up his old 12-turnovers-a-game, I-am-a-bad-shot-waiting-to-happen mentality, then maybe he could provide some good insurance for Cassell at the point and maybe even play some two guard off the bench. The thing is that with Corey Maggette you have a guy who can offer you perimeter scoring and penetration off the bench anyway (I can't believe people use the word penetration so much in hoops). I just don't see why you wouldn't spend the money on someone like a Magloire, or get a sign and trade going for Camby so that you have a 5 that will teach Chris "ADHD Posterchild" Kaman how to play consistent basketball.
So let's wait and see what old Elgin does, although he may be busy getting his Cosby Sweaters dry-cleaned this week because I haven't heard shit as far as negotiations and obviously I spend a lot of time sniffing around. God I'm a loser.

So anyway that's the first installment. I'm gonna try to do this every week if people start to give two shits about the blog. Next week I'll talk about Al Thornton or something. So in the words of Hauser in Total Recall--"Get your ass to Mars!"